Alimony : A contract that is taken out by two that is only paid out by one.

Antibody : The perverse fantasy you have for your uncles wife.

Assmosis : The process where certain people absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss!

Budget : An organised plan for living beyond your means.

Cobra : A brassiere for conjoined twins.

Consciousness : Those sober, mind-bogglingly dull periods between sleep.

Copulate : A slow response to a 999 call.

Coward : A man who thinks with his legs.

Expert : Someone who talks about a subject you know well and still makes you feel like an idiot.

Fortune : A barbershop quartet.

Gargoyle : Olive flavoured mouthwash.

Head Banger : A beakless Woodpecker.

Holes : Natives of Holland.

Intense : an absorbing camping holiday.

Juggler : A breast fetishist.

Laziness : An overwhelming ambition to do as little as possible in the longest possible time.

Matricide : To commit suicide on a rug.

Osmosis : An Australian prophet.

Seagull : A line manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, criticises everything, shits on everybody and flies off leaving nobody any the wiser.

To be continued . . .