The Alternative Dictionary

Abdicate : To despair of ever having a six-pack!

Anorachnophobia : An irrational fear of spiders wearing waterproof clothing.

Balderdash : A rapidly receding hairline!

Catastrophe : First prize in a cat show!

Claustrophobia : An irrational fear of Father Christmas.

Coffer : One who coughs.

Coffee : One who is coughed upon.

Déjà Moo : The uncanny feeling that you’ve heard this kind of bull-shit before!

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Dulcet : A boring tennis match.

Factory : A set of encyclopaedias.

Faggot : A female maggot.

Flatulence : The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Lymph : To walk with a lisp.

Mammogram : An important message written on very large breasts.

Nanosecond : The precise moment (usually in the middle of Asda on a busy Saturday morning with junior throwing a major tantrum) when you finally realise that your mother was right all along!

Ohnosecond : The precise moment in you realise you’ve cocked up, BIG-TIME!

Pantry : An underwear cupboard.

Testicle : A humorous question in an exam.

Woodpecker : A medieval dildo.


To be continued . . .

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